Anger: Friend or Foe

What is anger?  Is it a base emotion or a reactionary emotion.  

The "Paul Ekman’s research, anger is one of the six “basic emotions” identified in the Atlas of Emotions along with disgust, fear, happiness, sadness, surprise. Anger is felt by everyone at one point or another and it’s completely valid as its own emotion."-A  The Atlas of Emotions shows that there are several types of anger ranging from annoyance to fury.  

​Anger isn't a bad or wrong emotion; however, it does leads to not so pleasant reactions, if ...... channeling the energy from the emotion isn't dispersed in a healthy way.   So what are some healthy ways??

Qi Gong:  Beat the bag!!!!

I took a 25-30 lb bag of rice.  I wrapped it in duct tape... a few layers so there will be no mess.  I took a wooden handle like for a broom that I got at a local hardware store.  I cut it in half and wrapped part of them in a base ball bat grip.  So I have two wood mallets and a bag of rice.    I place it on my massage table but a couch or bed would work as well.  Take a mallet in each hand and raise up above and behind your head (By your ears).  Swing your hands down and beat the bag with your mallets while saying the word "NO".   Repeat over and over again.  You will automatically start feeling all the anger that is stored somewhere in your body and pull it up and out from the liver meridian and out of you.   It will bring up really strong emotions so doing it with someone is a wise.  Make sure that someone is a safe person.  Someone you would feel comfortable having them see your pain and fury, resentment, bitterness and frustration.   Taking a pillow and beating a bed can also work.  

I have found that sometimes my children are willing to jump in and beat the bag in a moment of anger and rage and it works great!!!    Sometimes they don't and it takes some encouragement.  Anger can be overwhelming and sometimes scary.  It is very important to put it into perspective.  Anger is a result of your rights being violated and sometimes figuring out what right is violated can help dispel the anger as well.  Whether it is the right of getting what you want as a toddler, your right of receiving unconditional love as a child, or the right to make choices like an adult as a teenager.   The right to be safe, the right to choice, the right to freedom, the right to having both parents in your home, the right of understanding your friends and the right to have autonomy. There are many rights we have whether based on truth or not doesn't matter we beleive

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As a parent and dealing with your child's anger make sure you don't take it personally.  It means something different than what is being expressed and often getting to the root of that anger is helpful.  Asking them why may or may not give you the real answers but you can get clues.  Ask them what they feel like should be happening to get an idea of what they expect and what right might be violated.  Ask them if they are afraid or worried about something to see if there is a different base emotion behind the anger.  Ask them how they want to release the anger.    Let them know it's ok to be angry and that there are healthy ways channel it.  It's ok to let them know they can't hurt others or destroy things.  It's ok to turn their outrage into an external movement like running around the house or block.  It's ok to yell to get it out, while controlling the yell, shout an "Arrg" with them, keep words with meaning out of it and turn it into a loudness contest.  tv. 

Telling them to calm down is like telling someone who is sobbing to take a deep breath.  It doesn't do anything to help.  The problem with sobbing is not a lack of oxygen which a deep breath would fix it is a build up of carbon dioxide which needs to be dispelled.  Helping someone sobbing by two quick exhales will lead to a deep breath and calm a sob.  Just like joining their anger and channeling it in a healthy way will dispel anger rather than compile it into further increase of the emotions. 

The best way to discuss anger is after the fact.... often long after the fact.  Obviously depending on the age of the child, the discussion of what caused or led to the outburst of anger should be postponed long after the outburst.  For a 3 year old that would be a few hours afterwards.  For a teenager it might be a couple weeks later before you bring it up to discuss.  It is rarely ever necessary or wise to discuss it in the moment even with adults.    The reptilian brain that does the fight or flight response that takes over emotions and thinking when anger takes over the controls, needs to be calmed and the mind able to step into the logical thinking frontal lobe of the brain.  

Good luck!  And as a parent if you're able to do all of this without pulling out your hair or wanting to beat a bag yourself you have been successful.  Feel free to share things that you have done that works and we will share it here as well.  

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